i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
