My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
