I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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