I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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