She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
