dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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