hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize
