So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
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Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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