i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
