She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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