There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
