he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
