Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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