I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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