So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
last night I used snow as a chaser
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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