he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
