sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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