I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
