dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
