everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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