Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?