Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.