dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
