If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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