At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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