I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
