Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
