At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
