Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
