I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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