I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
