note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
