When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
