i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
