I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
