Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
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I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have feelings that need drinking.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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