my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
