i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
