Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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