Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
