Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
