Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
