It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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