happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
