I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
