New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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