Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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