babies were throwing up all over the place
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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