ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
