o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You are the jesus of drinking
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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