Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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