I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
