i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
