i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
