some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
