Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
