Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
