I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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