i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
