i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
