just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
