Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
